Wednesday, July 2, 2014

The Recipe That Will Never Make it to Pinterest

Here it is - the recipe that will never make it to Pinterest.

The one that will never get shared on Facebook or passed down from generation to generation on a little hand-written index card to be stored in a cute little box.

But I'm sharing it with you regardless. The purpose? To make you feel good about yourself and your ability to cook.

So, here it goes.

(No picture included, for reasons that will become obvious shortly.) However, I have given you some choices as to what to call this recipe should you opt to try it. You choose.

"Tired Mom" Pot Roast
"I Used to Enjoy Cooking, but Now I Don't" Pot Roast
"Who Cares? It Won't Kill Us to Try It" Pot Roast
"Other Things Matter to Me More than This" Pot Roast

Day 1. Remove chuck roast from freezer and allow to thaw on the counter so it can be made tonight.

Day 2.  Decide not to make it tonight, so place the meat on a plate so you can make it tomorrow.

Day 3.  Landscape and work in the garden all day. Now you're too tired to make it. Leave the meat in the fridge for tomorrow.

Day 4.  Allow the family to convince you to order pizza. 

  • At 7pm, decide this meat must be cooked. 
  • Smell the meat to make sure it smells a little better than what you saw on the side of the gravel road the other day when it was 89º out. 
  • In a Dutch oven, brown the meat in olive oil. Oops, the oldest son used it all, so use something your hubby brought home from Spain. They're all the same, right?
  • While meat is browning, screw in the light switch cover you removed while painting the laundry room.
  • Five minutes later, walk out into a black cloud of smoke coming from the roast.
  • Open all windows
  • Explain yourself to every member of the family as to why you would smoke up the house after it had just been painted.
  • Add potatoes and carrots to the blackened roast... and beef broth. Oops. Son also used all the beef broth in the pantry, so grab some other can of soup and call it good. 
  • Place Dutch oven and its contents, covered, into a 275º oven.
  • At 9pm, decide you're too tired to wait for the meat to cook. 
  • Remove half-cooked meat and put back into fridge until cooking can be resumed tomorrow. 

Day 5.  Today's the day! The roast WILL be eaten!

  • Place Dutch oven and all its contents back into the oven. This time, set the oven to 350º because you're in a huge hurry, and you'd like to eat in an hour.
  • While it's cooking, pick up your little dog at the groomer's. 
  • Halfway to the groomer, notice that the road is closed due to flooding. Backtrack and take another route that adds 20 minutes to your long commute.
  • While driving, take notice of the winds picking up and a gigantic wall cloud heading towards you. 
  • Freak out
  • 45 minutes later, arrive at groomer's and head to her house for safety.
  • Stay there until the storm passes.
  • Stay there longer and enjoy visiting
  • Call home to have someone turn off the oven because the meat must be overcooked by now.
  • Call home again with the hopes that someone might actually pick up the phone.
  • Call again
  • Give up
  • Get home, race in the door to find the oven off. Think, "How thoughtful of the kids to sense it was overcooking." 
  • Thank the kids
  • Find out they never shut off the oven. The power went out.
  • Freak out and wonder how long the power's been out.
  • Check the meat and notice the power must have just gone out because when you lift the lid, you see a small piece of burnt something or other.
  • FINALLY: Serve. Laugh. Pour yourself a really strong drink. Enjoy.


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